Reason My Cat is a Jerk #11: She Kneads Me With Her Claws

27 12 2008

You know how cats do that adorable thing where they knead a blanket or a cushion before they lie down? They purr, and they’re all contented and happy, and it’s totally cute. The only problem is, Pants doesn’t like to knead blankets or cushions. She only likes to knead me.

Still, this wouldn’t be a big deal—it might actually be awesome!—if the little jerk was capable of kneading without unleashing her razor-sharp claws. Every time she does it, I end up completely scratched up. Those claws go through shirts, jeans, even blankets.

Exhibit A:

Check out those claws. It’s like Wolverine decided to come take a seat and make himself at home. At least I was wearing a sweater here. If it had been a t-shirt, there might have been permanent scarring.

The other night we let them stay in the bedroom with us when we went to bed (STUPID STUPD STUPID!), and I woke up when Pants started digging her claws into my side, kneading away at my poor flesh. In the morning my side was covered with tiny little scratches. I know she just wanted to curl up and sleep with me; I just wish she could do it without the use of force.

And you know what? I think she does it on purpose. Any normal cat would just keep the claws in, right? If she could just do it without causing bodily harm, it would be fine. Naturally, though, she won’t, because she’s a jerk.




27 responses

2 01 2009

Hi! It’s Natalie from your other blog. As a cat lover, I had to check out this site and I agree with much of it. My cat is a jerk, but she does it under the guise of “helping.” She’s trying to HELP me with my paper, that’s why she walks across the keyboard. She’s trying to help me make the bed, that’s why she dives under the covers and messes them all up while I’m putting clean sheets on. Maybe that’s her cover for being a jerk.

There is something you can do about the claws – get your cat declawed. It seems really horrible, but especially for indoor cats, there’s no reason they need the front ones and it’s better for your house (and clothes and blankets…) if they are declawed. I got my cat spayed and declawed at one time and I felt like a horrible mean monster because her belly was shaved and she walked gingerly on her paws for a day or two, but when she “lovingly” puts her paw on my face while I’m sleeping, I’m very glad there are no claws that dig into my skin. Just an idea…

2 09 2009

she was doing that with her claws because thats how cats show they love you trust me

13 10 2009

u should love and cherish something before its gone!!

day in day out,people who lost their cat wish,pray and would sacrifice anything to make their cat come home…so please!

27 11 2009


17 05 2010

cut her nails and stop whining about it!

17 05 2010

Hi, I noticed that your cat had an extra digit or two. Both of my kitties have extra toes and they put them to use. The younger one loves to shred us whenever possible, but the slightly older, much bigger one is pretty good about that. However, she does tend to scratch me when she’s kneading me and she has a tendency to get them caught in fabric and nitches. I think maybe cats with extra toes don’t have as good control of their claws as other cats do. Doesn’t mean your cat isn’t evil, but maybe she does mean to do with this love.

19 05 2010

I’m pretty sure that it’s actually impossible for cats to knead without putting out their claws. Stretching their paws wide like that tightens the muscles and pushes the claws out. When i want to trim my cats nails, I push their toes a little upwards, and it forces them to extend without hurting her, even tho she doesnt want them trimmed.
Also, you could consider getting the front claws removed. that’s probably a bad idea at her age though, as its an easier process for kittens to get used to it.

2 06 2010

actually, all cats (if they have them) will knead with claws out. Clawing things leaves their scent in the object, so by kneading their bed before they sleep, they mark it as their territory and warn other animals that they are there.

4 07 2010

Wow. Wow wow wow. What the heck is wrong with the people commenting here?

@blog post, all cats I know knead with their claws out. It’s the way they have to move their paws while kneading that automatically unleashes clawy goodness.

@Natalie: You dare to call yourself a cat lover? You are a freaking cat torturer if you declaw any cat. You felt like a monster? Well, you were right.
Cats use their claws for all sorts of things, from holding stuff to climbing to scratching themselves. They even use them for better adhesion while walking. Amputating the claws is equal to removing your whole fingers (comparing of what cats use their claws for) or at least cutting off your fingers at the last joint (comparing of what’s actually done in this surgery). Would you call someone a “human lover” if he thinks cutting off your fingers is a good idea? Even if you keep that out of the equation, declawing can lead to really nasty infections that ruin the live of the cat even more than declawing does anyway. There’s a reason declawing is illegal (animal cruelty laws) in most developed countries (see, for example, European Convention for the Protection of Pet Animals, Article 10, §1) . You should not be allowed to have cats. In fact, any cat you might have should be removed from you for it’s own savety. Bad enough you even thought about declawing, but going through with it without even researching what it actually does (or not caring) is unbelievable. Some cat lover you are.

@Emily: Extra digit? I heard of the weird american belief that cats only have 3 digits (and/or 3 claws) per paw. From where did that come? Anyway, there’s no extra digit. All cats have 5 (6) digits, 4 at the front of the paw and one a bit further back (attached with the dewclaw used for hunting). They even have a sixth, unclawed toe even further back, called the carpal pad, but I’m not sure if that pad on the wrist really counts as a digit. Here you can see them all:
If you were not a victim of that 3-toe urban legend, but instead meant polydactilism, then you can pretty much ignore the previous paragraph. It doesn’t look like more than 4 front digits in the vid for me, though. Cats usually spread their fingers when kneading, so..

13 07 2010

Hahahaha, no. I knew cats had four toes. My cats literally have a thumb next to those four toes in that picture. Actually, one has two extra toes on each of her front paws. It gives them the appearance of little mittens. Here’s a picture of what it looks like:

By the way, I would go a little easier on the person creating this blog. While I’ve never personally had a cat declawed, my family did adopt one that was already declawed and she was very healthy. We got her when I was about to go to kindergarten, maybe even a little earlier and we put her down my junior year of high school. And she wasn’t a kitten when we got her, either. I would say she was around 2 years old.

We were actually thinking about declawing our younger cat because she was clawing us up so bad. We would have claw marks on us for weeks and it HURT. But, since she was still a kitten, we gave her until she was a couple years older. Luckily, she has stopped and the only time our skin is in danger is if we are playing with her and she accidentally swipes our hands while going for the string we’re holding.

Overall, I understand where you are coming from, but in no way do you have the right to berate this woman like this. While the procedure can sometimes go bad, all operations on cats can go bad. The anesthesia the vets use can accidentally kill the cats, any incision can get infected. As long as the cat is an indoor cat who is terrorizing the household with vicious claws, I have no real problem with declawing, and that’s my two cents.

13 07 2010

Oops, I meant the person who wrote the comment, not the person who created the blog.

15 07 2010

Honestly, if you have things in your house that are so precious that “vicious claws” are destroying them, you don’t deserve to have a cat. Honestly, a little time and a spray bottle filled with water so you can correct negative scratching behavior paired with some nice scratching posts and boxes will eliminate the scratching problem. Declawing a cat is, like the other person said, very inhumane. It is equivalent to removing your finger at the knuckle, and I’m sure your two cents would change if someone did that to you. Would certainly make going about your day to day life very hard, wouldn’t it?

I had a cat who was declawed before we got him, and he was miserable. He developed a tick where he would try desperately to claw things in order to stretch his muscles properly (the purpose of clawing at things) and release tension in his legs/back. He was unable to do this (again, think about how it feels when you have a tight muscle…now think about how painful it would be to never be allowed to stretch it out and release the tension).

Clearly, hard facts aren’t going to change your mind, but I implore you to think about, really think about, what it means to not only own a cat but to put them through a procedure that prevents them from doing what they do in order to stay happy and comfortable. If you don’t want to risk having scratched up furniture or whatnot- get a gerbil or something, don’t get a cat.

15 07 2010

Umm…to be honest with you, I don’t give a crap about furniture. The cat could claw it all up to hell for all I care. I’m talking about my body, something that is slightly more precious to me than upholstery. Obviously, you’ve never had a rambunctious kitten who’s sole purpose for the first 6 months of her life is to scratch anything that remotely comes close to her, including hands that feed her.

I am a HUGE animal lover. You have no idea. And I’m so sorry to hear about your cat, Lana. Thing is, I’ve never actually seen a cat react badly to being declawed. So maybe I am being slightly naive. But I swear to you, my cat was a very happy cat and not having claws didn’t seem to bother her. Maybe how they react is based on personality, or when they got them declawed. Our vet told us that kittens are likely to better adjust to getting their claws out.

And I’m NOT an advocate for getting cats declawed. I know the claws are important to a cat. But, my neighbor had about 4 cats and they all scratched her up and down. The cuts always got puffy, red and almost infected looking, even though she washed them. That is the ONLY, ONLY, ONLY time I think a declawing would be justified. When the owners are being harmed by their cats claws, then I think it should be taken into consideration.

20 07 2010

My own sweetheart Devlin kneads me like this as well, usually when I’m tucking into bed. I’ll try to put blanket underneath him, but he’ll seemingly intentionally stretch the paws beyond that, no matter how much I try. At which point I whimper & my boyfriend tries to move my cat while telling me I shouldn’t let him do that… but he often combines it with suckling my blanket, obviously reverting back to his kittenhood & it’s both cute & heartbreaking. He was a rescue kitty & I don’t think he ever got properly weaned, so his kneading is “release the milk & feed me!!” kneading, as he expects the blanket to lactate at him.

3 03 2011

Honestly, this blog is clearly intended to be humorous, so stop taking it so seriously. I’m sure the author of this blog loves her cats very much and there is no need to get on her case about it. Calm down and realize that this is, although I’m sure it’s true as my cat is notoriously bad about this, meant to be funny. Get a sense of humor, guys.

5 03 2011

Pretty sure that every cat I’ve owned does this.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that cats in general do almost everything you complain about.

If it bothers you so much, take them to get their nails trimmed. It’s that easy.

And if cats bother you that much, so much that you had to make a blog to complain about them, then you shouldn’t have gotten kittens in the first place.

13 03 2011

I have cats that both knead with claws and without. It is possible for them to do it without having their claws fully extended so it doesn’t hurt. However, some cats never learn to do this. We have one cat who seems to have permanently extended claws. We have to file them because they’re painfully sharp. Our newest kitten also hasn’t learned how to control her claws. All our other cats, though (all freaking five of them), knead without claws.

Cats have five digits on the front and four on the back. Fun fact~.

As for declawing, we have a cat that I found injured about two years ago. She had been declawed by her previous owner so she could be kept in the college dorms (at least, we’re 99% sure this is the case. We never found the owner). She was mostly likely an inside cat that got out. The declawing on her front paws made it impossible for her to hunt or depend herself, and thus she was starving and one paw was halfway mangled (we later discovered, after it had healed up, that she had lost a toe). This is the reason I will never declaw a cat, for fear the it would get out of the house. However, aside from that, the declawing has not affected her. She has learned to bite instead of scratch when play-fighting with the other cats and gets along just fine. It’s really cute when she tries to sharpen her nonexistent claws, though.

14 03 2011

Yeah, Natalie, you ignorant cruel bitch. I hope in your next life someone cuts off your fingers. Fuck you

19 03 2011

You know.. there are little cat nail scissors they sell at Petsmart for like 3 bucks.. after a little getting used to and a little patience, your cat’s nails can be uber-smooth. I do it every 2 weeks. For the first like month I owned her, she hated it and would try to bite me or just claw her way out of my arms, and it would take me a few days to get all of her nails. But then I realized she’s asleep like 23.5 hours a day, and I just do it then. No harm no foul.

7 06 2011

Pants is making biscuits out of your sweater.

30 06 2011

What I do with my cats, instead of mauling their paws, is keep the nails trimmed and keep glue on rubber caps on them. Sometimes one falls off and I have to spend (Lord forbid anyone have to maintain or spend time with their pet!) all of about 2 minutes gluing another one back on. After a very short time, my two don’t even raise a fuss over it and simply lay there purring while they get ‘pawticures’

That being said, to the advocates of declawing – please think about this.

I’ve grown up with cats that have been declawed and it DOES effect their personality and creates so many behavioral problems. The ones that my parents have now were declawed as friendly, sweet and very tame kittens and became very mistrusting and fearful of people after the operation. For years they would hide under the bureau or bed and avoid as much contact with humans as possible. Only now, over a dozen years later, are they trusting again. Imagine being taken somewhere strange and stinking of fear and chemicals, being knocked out by this huge human, and waking only to find that you are in pain with parts of your fingers missing. Sure some cats recover from the surgery and they act as if nothing (or almost nothing) happened. But there’s no guarantee. A cat could also become fearful, defensive, unfriendly or angry. Maybe she’ll become withdrawn and spend most of her time hiding. Your cat may never trust you again.

As well, imagine being a small child (or even an adult) and having deep wounds on your feet, then having to walk barefoot through rough pebbles any time you need to go to the bathroom. It’s why so many declawed cats wind up with inappropriate defecation and urination problems. It’s impossible to predict how painful a cat’s paws are going to be after declawing. Of course, they will extremely painful while he is healing, and very, very sensitive to the sharp points of clay litter. That’s why a veteranarian who declaws will tell the cat’s human to use a paper-based litter such as Yesterday’s News during the healing process. But sometimes a cat’s paws are very tender even after they heal, and he may never use the litterbox again – I’ve seen it happen. Humans who were upset that their cat was scratching their belongings will be even less thrilled when he begins peeing on them.

They NEED their claws to do everything from playing (they use their claws much as we do our thumbs, to grasp and throw objects) to stretching. Just like you need all your toes for walking properly, cats need those joints to move naturally. In fact, cats need that part of their feet even more because they are far more physical creatures than humans are. Cats don’t sit at a desk all day and just climb a few stairs now and again. They get around by leaping, jumping and reaching for whatever flat surface that they want to lie on. Declawing hampers a cat’s ability to move in ways that aren’t immediately obvious to human eyes, but over months and years it can cause them to develop arthritis and crippling structural changes. In addition, the joints of the declawed paws may become painfully contracted — permanently. A cat’s inability to stretch properly will cause stiffness over the years, causing him to age prematurely. Declawing is very bad for a cat’s longterm health.

If your cat is clawing at your furniture you’re probably not providing a satisfactory scratching surface. If your cat is clawing at you – stop and figure out why. Is it in play? Don’t give positive reinforcement and ignore the cat – they simply don’t understand. Is it in fear? You are HUGE compared to the cat, and most people don’t realize how quickly they move to pet the cat and often wind up startling or frightening it. Perhaps it is even pain? Maybe kitty does not feel well or is sore somewhere and does not wish to be touched. Is it aggression? Figure out what is triggering this behavior and work with your pet to ease their problem.

I have met many sweet natured cats, some even were declawed, but is it really worth putting them through all of that pain when it can be fixed by spending just a few minutes a week with them in basic grooming? Consider the possibility that if you feel that you MUST declaw your cat for the sake of your material possessions, then a cat is not the right pet for you. Go get a fish instead. Would you remove your child’s fingers simply because it may pinch or hit you or even color on your walls? I sincerely hope not – and a cat is just as dependent on you for care as a child is, perhaps even more so.

That all covered and off of my chest – this is a hilarious blog and I can tell that even though the poster’s cats are jerks (then again, so are most cats!), she loves them very much and does a great job caring for them. I think, should I get the choice, that when I die I want to come back to an owner like her. Sure, she posts them on the internet for everyone to laugh at and calls them names, but they seem pretty spoiled to me!

4 09 2011

I love your blog!
Ha, my Skylar does this too. I started trimming his nails after my vet showed me how to. I didn’t have the heart to get him declawed after finding out what happens. I call my cat a jerk, too. He is, I use a spray bottle to reprimand him and he still does everything he knows not to do- just bolting afterward because he knows its coming!
I’m surprised so many are taking these tongue-in-cheek cat blogs seriously. I know many devoted pet owners who lovingly call their pets “jerks”. It’s not abuse and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a cat! It’s called humor, people, honestly!

2 08 2012

Anyone even contemplating declawing their cat – please, please read this. Written by a veterinarian. Open your eyes. PLEASE.
(I come from the UK, where, as in many other countries, this barbarous practice is illegal. I can only will and pray that plain common-sense humanity comes to prevail over here, too.)

22 08 2012
You are all idiots

Oh my god people, I can tell some of you ( the ones being herp derps saying ” if you don’t like it get rid of them/ cut their nails) didn’t get enough air when you were born and are now inflicted with derpitis. It’s a joke, I mean really? I can’t stand living on this planet anymore, there’s just too much stupid to deal with!!! But anyways I love the blog, I have been sitting here reading all your stories and I’m sure my fiancé thinks I’m crazy because every few minutes or so I burst out laughing. My kitty is a jerk to and a pain in my ass, but I loves him to smittens!

22 08 2012
You are all idiots

Oh yeah one more thing. I wouldn’t declaw my kitty but I’ve heard about soft paws. Their caps you put on the nails. They have all kinds of colors, they look so cute! :3

22 08 2014

Yeah. These comments…

Declawing is terrible. A friend of mine had her cat (at the time, kitten) declawed and it started pissing around the house. After it had surgery, it’s little nubs were sore and hurt so badly that when it went in the litter. So, it learned that whenever it went in the litter, it would hurt it.

Not every cat reacts like this but most do – statistically speaking. Can’t argue with the facts and studies that have shown and proven it’s better for the cat if not declawed.

Let’s not forget if the cat somehow got outside and couldn’t defend itself because it didn’t have any claws.

Declawing for a cat is the equivalent to cutting off our fingers to the knuckles. Imagine it – cutting off your fingers to the knuckles.

If you think otherwise because you aren’t the slightest openminded and so tight from the lack of penetration – mentally from the lack of thinking about the other possibilities – gtfo.

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