Reason My Cat is a Jerk #7: She Won’t Let Us Sleep Through the Night

24 11 2008

When we first got the jerks, we decided we were going to start things off right: they were not allowed to sleep in the bedroom with us. It didn’t matter how small and sweet and adorable they were, we were going to be strong, because while we wanted our kittens with us every moment, we knew that we didn’t actually want cats in our bed for the next twenty years.

And we’ve been mostly pretty good about it, too. Every night as we get ready for bed, they come into the bedroom and search for places to hide, but we hunt them down and make them leave. Jezebel likes to hang out behind the mirror, where we can’t get to her without kicking at her, and Pants often goes for the spot under the chair, or behind the fan, or sometimes under this credenza we have. Sometimes, in some of her more adorable moments, Pants will hide under the comforter, but she won’t realize her tail is sticking out so we can see exactly where she is.

But sometimes, usually when one of the cats does something totally cute while we’re getting ready, we lose our minds and decide to give them one more shot. Maybe, we think, they’ll be good this time. Also, whenever my husband goes out of town, I let them stay in, because for some reason noises in the night aren’t as scary when you have fluffy kitties with you.

The problem is that usually the noises in the night are actually caused by the fluffy kitties. Obviously, cats are nocturnal animals. When we want to sleep, they want to PLAY. So while they’ll sit still on the bed long enough to fool you into thinking they may actually let you sleep through the night, that’s just one of their jerky tricks. They have no intention of letting you sleep.

As soon as we’re deep into an REM cycle, Jezebel decides to climb up on top of the armoire. Naturally, she wants us to see it, so she yowls until we get up and shove her off. Or she finds some “toy” (usually a button or a pen we’ve left on the dresser) to bat around and make us crazy. Pants LOVES to sniff your face while you’re asleep, which means I wake up to whiskers in my eyeballs. Sometimes (this is my favorite), she’ll find my hand and start shoving her face and her little wet nose against it, thereby forcing me to pet her in my sleep.

Whenever they somehow convince us to let them stay in the bedroom, it usually ends with a frustrating attempt at kicking them out around 4 am, (or  whenever we just can’t take it anymore). Of course, the cats don’t want to leave, so as soon as we get up, they dive for their hiding spots. And then there’s the fact that they’re black, so we can’t see them in the dark. We have to turn on the lights to get them to leave.

I think the cats get some kind of sick pleasure out of seeing us turn on the lights and stumble around yelling at them. I can’t think of any other reason they refuse to let us sleep through the night.

Oh wait, I just thought of another reason. Maybe it’s because they’re complete jerks.




10 responses

11 12 2008

maybe your the jerk!!!!!!!! they are just cats …..not children … jerk! i wouldnt want to live with you either if you kicked at me and shoved me off furniture instead of picking me up and PLACING me on the floor….you jerk!!!

11 12 2008

Maybe you’re right! Maybe I am the jerk! Maybe while I’m at work all day, my cats are writing a blog all about me!

btw, i would totally kick at my kids and shove them off the furniture too.

Thanks for the insightful, grammatically-correct comment!

12 12 2008

Oh. heavens. I hope Anne #1 finds her way to Good Girl Lit. Y’all need some negative commenters, bad.

27 12 2008
Reason My Cat is a Jerk #11: She Kneads Me With Her Claws « My Cat is a Jerk

[…] other night we let them stay in the bedroom with us when we went to bed (STUPID STUPD STUPID!), and I woke up when Pants started digging her claws into my side, kneading away at my poor flesh. […]

10 05 2009
John Hansen

Anne’s comments are offensive. There is no reason for her to insult you like that – for doing what you did.

You said nothing wrong and we with our 3 cats concur.

Our cats do sleep in our bed and they do seem at time to want to wake us up or keep us awake.

John Hansen

28 11 2009

I am LAUGHING only after four cups of coffee and having been up since 4:30 – time enough to get a grip on my exhaustion- because my cat, too, is a JERK. Or other names that are inappropriate to post here. We’re unsure how the past 12 years have progressed without one or both of us losing our minds completely from lack of sleep or being driven mad with the licking of plastic, chewing of paper, constant “making biscuits” against our bodies until we are sore, chewing the buttons/hoodie strings on our clothes, crying at every closed door in the house…it goes on and on. Vets say they have no ideas other than a Pet Psychic. The yowling is full-volume and predictable (literally: 3,2,1 it’s three am – GO!) throughout the night though he is an indoor, neutered cat. How can I love him and want him to have a content life but want to absolutely kill him at the same time (he’s in no danger, people who take things too literally – don’t freak out!) ?

12 06 2011

This one was way way way too familiar. Every couple of months my husband and I decide to give sleeping with the cats another try. We fool ourselves into believing they’ll stay generally near the foot of the bed or under it. But no, they want to drink the water or nibble my fingers or walk through the vertical blinds until we kick them out part way through the night.

4 09 2011

We can’t sleep with our cats either. Both of our cats like to eat hair. I don’t know why but they love it. I wake up to claws in my forehead and teeth gnawing my scalp. Or, our younger cat likes to sleep on my hair- having clawed it into a nest on the pillow. Needless to say, I wish cats were diurnal sometimes.

7 10 2011

We have a similar problem. Our cat is so snuggly – she loves spooning us at the beginning of the night and there is nothing as nice as a group snuggle before falling asleep. It doesn’t last though and the meow-fest begins at 4am daily. She just won’t shut up.

We’ve tried ignoring her and that works to an extent but then it comes back worse than ever.

We’ve tried locking her out of our room but she just scratches the door (which bangs around in the frame) and is even noisier than the meowing.

We’ve even tried making her a bed in another room with food and litter tray nearby but she just goes nuts at the idea and won’t calm down unless the house is completely silent, meaning we can’t actually do anything or move around for fear of setting her off.

Definitely a love hate relationship, and she definitely knows she rules the roost. Love her to pieces but really want to muzzle her or cage her up somewhere far far away in the night.

2 11 2011
Peter Smithson

Jerk removal tip – get the hair dryer and blast them out. That’s the only way we can get our black Jerk out from under the bed!

They soon learn and run as soon as you go near the hair dryer or just turn it on.

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